Musings of a fool..

I feel oddly under-appreciated.
…unloved?
I feel most loved when affirmed. and encouraged.
it’s a fact.
Perhaps it’s just a self-confidence thing…and in fact, I’m sure it is. But, honestly, I usually just hide behind fake over-confidence and hope it just evens itself out.

I think the real problem lies within the fact that those I expect to hear “praise”…not literal praise, but maybe “the i’m proud of you’s….and good jobs..” from those closest to me, but instead it usually comes from those that I hardly know. It’s probably my fault…maybe I come off as if I don’t need to hear it? Or maybe not?

Maybe I’m depressed?

It’s been an on-going conflict for me though.
…and frankly I just read it as “wow, i guess I’m mediocre and ultimately should just give up.”
it doesn’t help that I’m a musician constantly putting my emotions and outpouring of my heart out in the public forum and for some reason expect my loved one’s to react in a way that….encourages me? or just makes me feel loved.

there’s really no reason why I posted this…
…in fact, it’s merely what I was thinking and felt the need to document it.

you know, get the chaotic gaggle of thoughts documented onto something a little less fragile than my mind.

Oh, blogs.

If It doesn’t break your heart, it isn’t love….

Dear Brothers & Sisters….

In your ocean I’m ankle deep,
I feel the waves crashing on my feet;
It’s like I know where I need to be
But I can’t figure out,
I can’t figure out
Just how much air I will need to breathe
When your wave washes over me,
There’s only one way to figure out
Will you let me drown?

Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire
‘Cause I just want
Something beautiful to touch me
I know that I’m in reach
‘Cause I am down on my knees
And waiting for
Something beautiful.

And the water is rising quick,
And for years I was scared of it.
We can’t be sure when it will subside
So I won’t leave your side,
No, I can’t leave your side.

Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire
‘Cause I just want
Something beautiful to touch me
I know that I’m in reach
‘Cause I am down on my knees
And waiting for
Something beautiful.

In a daydream
I couldn’t live like this
I wouldn’t stop until I found something beautiful.
But when I wake up
And all I want, I have
You know it’s still all I need – something beautiful.

…..Grace. It’s something that is stretching my mind to new depths…and ultimately is something that is revealing Christ to me in new ways that I didn’t really ever expect. Who am I that I should ever get a second chance? third chance? fourth chance? I think it’s evident that it’s NOT human nature to even assume we could get these chances…or grant these chances to those we love. But, for some reason, God is calling us to forgive and bring grace to others just as He has done for us…it’s truly something beautiful.

Not everything comes easily, in fact, it seems as if the best things, the most beautiful things, come from a hard and treacherous journey. I think God makes the beautiful things hard to reach simply because it’s in our nature to savor and truly love them more if we have had to fight for them with every ounce of bleeding passion within us. Saying this…I’ve still got mountains to climb on my own…but I know that through Christ’s strength, I will scale that mountain. I will follow through, my love.
“every seed must die before it can grow”

Saying all of this..I really wanted to just document something beautiful that happened to me last Friday…Right before chapel, I discovered some messages that weren’t intended for my eyes to read, but regardless…they graced my pupils and what was written was processed and downloaded quite clearly. The messages were…hurtful and hateful. It’s in my very human nature to just throw up my hands and say “I deserve it. I’m a horrible vile man. Kill me”….but I know better than that. Christ has paid my debt and He’s reforming my heart and mind so that I can be His representative of love, truth, and justice. Regardless, at this time…the words were floating through my head…words that close friends had spoken against me…words that spoke of me as someone who “held” his love back…I was devastated, to say the least. But, it was about time to go to chapel…So, I figured I would just swipe my I.D. card to show my attendance and then leave so that I could further wallow in my pain, but to my dismay (but delight in the long run!), my dear friend Missy yelled “BEN! COME SIT WITH ME FOR CHAPEL!”…..*grumble*…”okay”, I said. As I took my seat in the upper-balcony, I told myself I would soon leave after worship. As worship ended, I took a seat and was about to leave…that is, until I felt this undeniable tug on my heart to just stay and hear whatever message it was that was going to be spoken. As I felt this tug, out walks a rather skinny and well-dressed man…(this caught my attention, simply because I’m far too accustomed to the hip slightly over-weight youth pastor wearing a skillet shirt gracing the chapel platform). So, I as sat in my seat…I hear the words come out of his mouth….”Hello! I’m Sy Rogers….I’m going to be talking about redemption from sexual sin!”

….My heart dropped. The very exact message I needed to hear was spoken on Friday morning…and even though I was more than reluctant to even go to Chapel, God opened my eyes and gently said “Ben…I haven’t forgotten about you…I love you…and I want you to feel love and forgiveness…You are my son.”

Wow. So, I won’t necessarily go into details about his message (mainly because I want you to download the message and hear it for yourself!) But, the main point he made was that every single one of us…whether we’re religious superiors, adulterers, liars, cheaters, partiers…what have you, every single one of us could have fallen into this lifestyle…this sin. And more importantly, every single one of us are sinners…who are so quick to point the finger and other people’s sins, but if we were exposed ourselves, we would surely not be so quick to judge and scorn others for the debauchery they’ve committed; because we’ve surely committed worse.

After chapel, I went and ate an uplifting lunch with one of my beautiful friends, Missy. Missy is somebody that truly knows the meaning of grace and mercy…and ultimately truly knows how to be a friend. Missy is a blessing. She just spoke about how although she knows everything that I’ve done…and yes, they were not good things…She does not treat me differently, in fact…she probably loves on me more than ever before! As friends we need to look at our pals as people that we unconditionally love…even if the things they do are horrid, we need to realize that we could surely have done the same thing; but better yet, Christ is calling us to follow his example of Love, Grace, and forgiveness….It’s beautiful, aye?

All I know is that I’m the worst of sinners, saved by grace, and in pursuit of the prize.
Through God I will find all joy and all that is life.
Truth. Love. Justice.

I love you.

Hallelujah, I’m caving in
Hallelujah, I’m in love again
Hallelujah, I’m a wretched man
Hallelujah, every breath is a second chance

And it is always yours
And I am always yours

I’ve always looked at other people’s testimonies which slight envy- Especially ones that featured a treacherous plot of devastation and rebirth. I looked at my life as if I were an inexperienced child who didn’t really know why he believed anything….my life was simply the way it had been for 18 years.
….I now speak with a different mindset. New experiences. I’ve touched the bottom of the ocean…I hit rock bottom. I consciously ran from God and his truth for 2-3 years….who was I fooling? Surely only myself.

The truth is simply that I am a sinner. The worst.
…and for once in my life I understand that. I cannot fathom the love of Christ…and how unexplainable his mercy and grace is.

I do not deserve second chances…or 3rd chances….or 18th chances….I’m falling in love with God. Yahweh.

I realize I’m a hated man. I don’t deserve any grace or redemption….and if it’s not going to come from friends and loved ones,
My God is reaching out to me…and for the first time in my life I’m reaching back.

Proverbs 3:1-12

1 My son, do not forget my teaching,
but keep my commands in your heart,

2 for they will prolong your life many years
and bring you prosperity.

3 Let love and faithfulness never leave you;
bind them around your neck,
write them on the tablet of your heart.

4 Then you will win favor and a good name
in the sight of God and man.

5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;

6 in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight. [a]

7 Do not be wise in your own eyes;
fear the LORD and shun evil.

8 This will bring health to your body
and nourishment to your bones.

9 Honor the LORD with your wealth,
with the firstfruits of all your crops;

10 then your barns will be filled to overflowing,
and your vats will brim over with new wine.

11 My son, do not despise the LORD’s discipline
and do not resent his rebuke,

12 because the LORD disciplines those he loves,
as a father [b] the son he delights in.

“bring me back to the way I was….”

You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I’ve kissed your lips and held your hand.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I’ve been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer and when i wake,
You can’t break my spirit – it’s my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I’ve seen you cry, I’ve seen you smile.
I’ve watched you sleeping for a while.
I’d be the father of your child.
I’d spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We’ve had our doubts but now we’re fine,
And I love you, I swear that’s true.
I cannot live without you.

Farewell, Best Friend.
You will always be in my heart…and you’ll always be my “toots”.
I pray that you’ll find the perfect man for you. Someone nice.
You are the perfect girl, the perfect friend…You’ll make him a very happy man.

I’ll always be here. There will always be a hole in my heart that only you can fill.
I’ll be in love from a far.
Goodbye, my lover. my best friend.

benjamin.

My heart’s in trouble…

You don’t have to try
running from each other
I read your eyes
You don’t have to bother
Maybe we’ll survive
If we don’t discover
One life ties to another

Cause the world won’t turn
If the sun won’t rise
And the stars won’t burn
In a broken sky

And the wind won’t surf
If the ocean’s dry
And my heart won’t work
If you say goodbye

If you say goodbye
If you say goodbye
If you say goodbye
My heart’s in trouble

I’d rather die
Holding one another
Your hand in mine
it’s easy and it’s not for
Understanding why
The world is out of color
One life ties to another

Cause the world won’t turn
If the sun won’t rise
And the stars won’t burn
In a broken sky

And the wind won’t surf
If the ocean’s dry
And my heart won’t work
If you say goodbye

If you say goodbye
If you say goodbye
If you say goodbye
My heart’s in trouble

Oh, if you say goodbye
If you say goodbye
If you say goodbye
My heart’s in trouble

Oh, before it never
mattered at all
Oh, before it never
mattered at all
Oh, oh, oh…

Cause the world won’t turn
If the sun won’t rise
And my heart won’t work
If you say goodbye

If you say goodbye
If you say goodbye
If you say goodbye
My heart’s in trouble

You said,
“starting now: its my world. it isn’t ‘ours’ anymore. i wish you’d never come into my world.”

everything we’ve gone through. the love we shared. the memories.
you wish none of it happened?

tears. sadness.

i can’t lose this…but it seems its all I deserve.

Recently my love found this old blog post….
I found the end to be absolutely inspiring and driving.

I never had the desire to see if there’s another “center”….And one day I had the fear that maybe there was something else, just because the center I knew was…all I knew.
But, my fears were self-made…Not based on a single grain of fact.
You and I are it.
I am supposed to be with you, and it’s never been so clear.

Things often aren’t clear until you truly almost lose them.
….or lose them completely.

Here’s to the future. Our love.
Viva la Vida? Yes.
and you.
ohh, what to say?
we’re like.. oranges.
sweet, juicy, and full of zesty-goodness.
i’d like to think that there is a destiny, and by way of
broken hearts and a few passionate love songs,
we were brought together.
all of the arguments and fiery debates drew us together.
each favorite tune and lovely melody opened another door in our friendship.

it’s like you were in the center of a maze, and i was on the outside.
you were throwing out these gifts, shouting sweets words, and occasionally
giving hints on how to discover the heart of the maze.
i often thought i was near the core, when i hit a dead end.
you waited so patiently, as i found my way out, and got back on track.
when i found you, we were in complete bliss. it was destiny.
at some point, i thought i was being suffocated by this sheer bliss,
but it was just a bit of claustrophobia.
the center was something completely new to me,
i experience a bit of shell shock.
i tried to find my way out, thinking there must be another center somewhere.
i was wrong.
i knew all along that i was in the right place, where destiny wanted me.
sometimes i wonder if you’re eying the exit.
what if you have that wandering feeling, too? what if you think there’s another center,
another blissful heart?
it scares me.
what if another girl finds our center of blissful happiness?
she may just wander in, not really sure where she was headed.
she may think she found her destiny.
you’ll catch her eye, she’ll catch yours.. and that spark will ignite.
that tiny spark.
a spark is all that is necessary to burn down a house.
with the right environment and careless supervision,
total destruction may occur.
desolation and heartache will invade, absolute dread.
it’s what i fear the most.

so, here i am at the very core. the very center of what makes the world seem a little brighter,
of what makes my cheeks hurt from smiling too much.
i am where my heart wants to be. it’s where i feel at home.
it’s like a natural high.
the one thing that can help me fall asleep at night, or inject me with insomnia.

i’ve always heard others claim, “he’s my other half!” “soandso really completes me!” “we are meant to be!”
and i would chuckle a little bit.
i’ve always doubted love. i never understood its basis or structure.
it’s not until you really taste it.. the first time you are completely immersed in it, that you think,

“hey, this is kind of perfect.”

I am my own affliction
I am my own disease
There ain´t no drug that they could sell
Ah there ain´t no drugs to make me well

There ain´t no drug
It’s not enough
There ain´t no drug
The sickness is myself

I made a mess of me I wanna get back the rest of me
I´ve made a mess of me I wanna spend the rest of my life alive
I´ve made a mess of me I wanna reverse this tragedy
I´ve made a mess of me I wanna spend the rest of my live alive
The rest of my life alive!

We lock our souls in cages
We hide inside our shells
It´s hard to free to the ones you love
Oh when you can´t forgive yourself
Yeah forgive yourself!

There ain´t no drug
There ain´t no drug
There ain´t no drug
The sickness is myself

I made a mess of me I wanna get back the rest of me
I´ve made a mess of me I wanna spend the rest of my life alive
I´ve made a mess of me I wanna reverse this tragedy
I´ve made a mess of me I wanna spend the rest of my live alive
The rest of my life alive!

There ain´t no drug
There ain´t no drug
There ain´t no drug
No drugs to make me well
There ain´t no drug
It´s not enough
I´m breaking up
The sickness is myself
The sickness is myself

I made a mess of me I wanna get back the rest of me
I´ve made a mess of me I wanna spend the rest of my life alive
I´ve made a mess of me I wanna reverse this tragedy
I´ve made a mess of me I wanna spend the rest of my live alive
The rest of my life alive

thank you, switchfoot.

Stop right there. That’s exactly where I lost it.
See that line. Well I never should have crossed it.
Stop right there. Well I never should have said
That it’s the very moment that
I wish that I could take back.

I’m sorry for the person I became.
I’m sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I’m ready to be sure I never become that way again
’cause who I am hates who I’ve been.
Who I am hates who I’ve been.

I’ve decided to rid myself of all technology except this very blog
- Which I realize no one reads, but that may be exactly the reason for this change.

It’s official. I’ve become someone who compromises his love. his happiness. his purity…for temptations and sinful desires. Hey, that’s who I’ve become…and I can’t let myself allow this anymore. I realize I probably have already lost everything I held dear…you’re holding on, but you’re truly ready to let go- who wouldn’t be?

I am from this point in my life dedicating all that I do to you, God, and maybe the respect for myself. That’s what I’ve been lacking….respect for myself If I truly was respecting myself and my heart’s desires…I would be holding my love this very second in absolute bliss without any distractions or reasons to doubt it. But, I’m an absolute sleaze. I gave in.

Maybe this is the point where I’m realizing that I need to take this and learn from it….I will never quit fighting, but there comes a point where you need to let go and find someone who can love you with all he has and actually demonstrate it!….All I did was hurt you. You are so precious and absolutely undeserving of all of this.
I’m creating a journal that I will write in everyday…if not more…with letters to you in them. The letters will document what I’m feeling…what I’ve done that day…and ultimately what is truly going on in my head.
…I’ve already thought that by the time you read this journal you will have already moved on…perhaps met him …and if that’s the case, you can just burn the journal…At least for his sake.

I’m changing my life. I have been absolute garbage, and I need to break through the rubbish.
My heart longs for you, but I acted the opposite.
until next time…find refuge in your friends…they love you so much and want the best for you.

love.